Aimless Journey

 Being a doctor or engineer is every kid's aim in life. Surprisingly, the answer to the question, "Boro hoye ki hote chao?" is mostly not taught to any kid, however every time they are asked this question,the answer rare has something other than doctor or engineer.

 I was no different too.In my case,I never preferred being a doctor. In fact,I hated doctors! Why? Because my little mind always thought that doctors just give injections(those blood tests every time you visit one),and I found injections painful. I still do though. This fear bound me to drop biology in my Alevels as I might had to deal with dead organisms body and injections.So,my answer used to be "engineer hobo". 

As I grew up,my answer remained same. Not because I solely wanted to be an engineer but because I wasn't sure about my aim in life. Apart from that universal question, a new question got added that is "ki engineer hoba?". The answer was nothing but "I haven't decided yet," with a forced smile The expression afterward,in some cases, left me questioning my worth. "Is this what my parents investing at, to see their daughter not knowing what to do in life?" Surrounding me was people who were determined of what to become and that used to be too specific. Even my younger sibling was determined towards her aim since grade 3 or 4 maybe,that too something other than 'doctor '& 'engineer',which amazed me.Sigh.Being around them made me feel even more aimless. At a point I started feeling like I might not make it in any direction and will surely be a failure only. It is quite obvious for a person to know what do they want to become after completion of study and I always wondered why am I not like them,why am I perplexed about every single thing in my life. I wish I could've just think about present and not overthink everything. I am someone who has absolutely no trust in ownself. 

Just before COVID-19 pandemic hit,I got done with my Olevels in Jan'20 session and just joined Alevels when quarantine started. Having almost no pressure in studies,I started to sketch watching some YouTube or Pinterst references just to spend my leisure time. I was doing satisfactory at it,just then I thought of doing something related to drawing and architect is what my new aim became. The next time I faced that very typical interrogation, architect used to be my reply.

Fig: Something I sketched during quarantine 

But me and my low self-esteem buried that aim too. Question arises,why? I felt like it is not my cup of tea. Whenever I attempted to sketch something on my own,my mind went all blank.I couldn't manage to bring out the scenarios in my mind. Just then I realised I cannot portray my creativity,how can I even study architect when creativity is the key. Yet I kept answer to people my aim was to be an architect as I had to answer something. 

Years later,after Alevels arrive my struggles when it came to choose major subject. Planning for public university, I had it in my mind if I can ace it, I'll go with whatever subject I get according to merit position. Unfortunately,I didn't succeed in it. Then comes choosing private university where BracU was never my option for expenses,so I never named BracU when my parents asked me my uni choice. And I was even confused among few more options. Seeing my confusion my parents asked to try to BracU as it's registration process started earlier than all of my options, however in my mind I had no intention to get in it,so I randomly chose subjects-CSE,CS & PHY. After result publication,I saw myself qualified in all the three subjects. 

To mention, I was never enthusiastic about computers.In fact, I haven't studied anything related to it since grade vii.

When the day arrived to submit my documents to the office of BracU,I wasn't sure even at that moment which one to choose among those three. When ma'am sitting on the desk asked, "Which subject would you like to choose?"

I replied,"CSE.", even though I didn't want to.

Against my will I got into BracU,that too in CSE department. Hopefully will graduate with a moderate CGPA.I always had this in my mind that university studies is tough, it's not my cup of tea. No matter what subject I choose,I cannot ace it. I never will. Such skeptical thought about me created more barrier in my maze to graduation. I have zero expectations to do well in sector. Merely going with the flow. I wish I had a bit confidence in me.